The day that I’d loose you. The day that you’d no longer be mine. It’s as if I threw myself at you when you had no hands to catch me. Or as if I spoke to you when you had no ears to listen. Happiness was the only emotion my soul ever seemed to display. But these days, happiness seems to be an emotion I can only crave. I need you to need me. You may be the person who has hurt me like I’ve never been before, but you’re also the one who has changed my view on life. You’ve changed me as a person, honestly. My path has been rearranged by everything you are and my view point on love has been affected by everything you’ve ever done. I am no longer the same person I’ve been because you were the biggest part of my life. You’ve given me so much to love you for. And I’ve loved you long enough to learn that I’ll love you forever. And loving you forever had taken me so far. So until the day you return, your presence remains in the corners of my mind. You will continue to be my muse. And if you may never return, I will never stop loving you.
I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE WEEKEND’S CONCERT. OMFG
I SAID TO HIM “FATHER MY CHILDREN!!!” & HE SAID “I LOVE YOU TOO BABY.”
OH MY GOD. I CAN’T. THIS IS SO WONDERFUL. OMFG. MY LIFE IS MADE.
What kinda got me upset was that his security took my camera because he didn’t want anyone taking photos of him or filming. I got it back but they took my memory card. So basically, all I have are memories.. but it was absolutely amazing. I counted and he literally either looked at me, smiled at me or pointed the microphone to me about 6 times. Then he gave me that look like “fuck yeaaaa.” When he was finished, he said “New York….you make me feel at home….and thank you for that…Goodnight.” But the crowd wouldn’t shut up while he was back stage. We screamed for an encore and he gave it to us. I fucking love that man with all my heart.
“I never really understood why some people would say that they needed time for themselves after getting out of a relationship. To me it never made sense. As naive I used to be, I always had believed that being in a relationship meant that you’re happy, that being with someone always brought you joy, that you had to depend on that person to bring you to that euphoric atmosphere. And although that isn’t right, for some people it is absolutely right. Time heals everything, including broken hearts. And I’ve learned from my own experience, that that’s why people need time. You need to recover from loosing someone so precious. Whether it was your choice or not, that person isn’t there anymore. The person you shared your secrets with, the person you invested all your time in, the one you let explore even the dustiest, untouched corners of your soul…completely disappeared. You almost feel as if something is missing from you because they felt like such a great part of you. The happiest part, in fact. You need time because you’re also afraid that you’ll never find something that’ll make you as happy, mad and emotional as your relationship with that person did. So you put up a guard, in hopes of convincing yourself that you’re content with loneliness. But soon after, loneliness gets real lonely.”
I wanna know what it feels like for someone to want you. You know? To be their first priority. For them to want to talk to you everyday and never get tired of you. I want someone to see the stretch marks on my stomach and accept them. I want someone to do everything in their power to bring us up from rock bottom if that ever happens to be someplace we end up. I want someone who won’t abandon me after I’ve shared every vulnerable secret. I want someone to finally explore the deserted corners of my soul. I want someone to know my exact emotion without me even saying a word. I want to hear the sensitive, breathtaking tone in someone’s voice when they tell me they love me. I want to know that mine and their definition of forever are both infinite. I want to go to sleep knowing that there is someone outside of my family who cares whether or not I wake up. I just want something worth fighting for.
The outline of my lips trace yours, and I surrender. I surrender who I’ve been for who you are. And nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being entirely yours would do. As you earn my complete and utter submission, you take hold of my essence. You enter my soul, my being, and build me up as your image of perfection. You are aware that what I have given you consists of great expense, and you treat me as such. All throughout, our reasoning becomes clear. Our love for one another conjoins, introducing us to a connection. A mutual feeling of irresistible sin. You speak to me through gestures as I speak through moans and heavy breathing. Each thrust brings us closer to the same euphoric atmosphere. Finally, our eyes no longer yearn for the lust we would’ve killed for just then to receive.
It’s one thing for someone to list the basics about them to you, but to be emotionally introduced to their soul…its a feeling unable to put in words. I believe its the easiest way for someone to fall in love if they wanted to. Because you finally have a better understanding of who they are. You fully accept anything and everything about their being. You don’t see what others see. Their flaws are now being over powered by your perception of them. Everything they stand for becomes perfection. And eventually you start to believe that no matter how long you have to wait for them to be yours, you know you’re waiting on your future.
I’m not even hurt anymore. I’m just fucking tired. Not emotionally, but also physically. I stay up all night long just waiting for a text or a call that in reality, I’m never going to recieve. This is the most tiring and annoying part of a relationship; not knowing whether you’re still together or not. It damn sure doesn’t feel like it..
Well what can I say? I’ve lost you. With hopes that you’ll somehow find your way back, I mourn over what could have been. The friendship that could’ve turned to something much more if I hadn’t treated it as nothing. Although, I was sure it had the potential to be something. I’ve learned that I can be too dependant on my feelings rather than thinking of what would actually benefit me in the long run. One of the worst decisions I’ve made was disrupting and exiting a genuine friendship for a brand new relationship that after almost 3 weeks, doesn’t even seem to be successful. But ofcourse, as naive as I am, I never allowed myself to realize how the impact of a broken heart could effect so much.
“I’ve looked through and have yet to find a word in the dictionary to fully explain my exact emotion right now. A combination of all except happiness.”
That is exactly right. The emotion I felt, or shall I say, the emotion I’m still feeling is indescribable. It could be karma. Or just the obvious aftermath my mind has been awakened by. At this point, the most that this situation will allow me to do is apologize and hope that you apprehend every aspect of this. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for upsetting you. I’m sorry if I ever left you heart broken. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to make you believe I wasn’t interested in you. And may I say, I was never the girl to unabashedly pick up the broken pieces one by one. The type of patience that process takes has always been nonexistent within me due to my pride. But I’m willing to do that for us. I willing to start over with a new beginning. But I can’t do that..because I’m almost completely sure that you’ve already moved on. You’ve found another one. The only thing I wish I could be positive about is us. I don’t want it to be over. Not so soon..
Just as I start to give up and walk away, your actions and words make my baffled intellect reconsider. Honestly, I have little knowledge on whether to thank you or to reject your repetitive reappearance. It’s beneficial for the present emotions, but from previous experience I’ve learned that it’ll just lead my heart to be the primitive object of desertion. Somehow, every time you seem to recur, I project a vulnerable image and accept the bullshit as if I wasn’t the one at fault. And then you continue as if you’re not either. Is all of this blinding? Are my words not strident enough for you to hear? Apology after apology, if you haven’t noticed, does not find a resolution to the root of the situation but just places a barrier to avoid it.
I’m starting to feel alone. Even with a number of people standing right beside me. No one really understands what I’m going through. I did a project in English class where we had to write poems about our life. Mine was dark, deep & sad; because that’s how I feel. The 2nd part of the project was to grade someone else’s work. About 12 people graded my work and left sticky notes of their comments. Each and every single one of them said that if this was really the way I feel about my life, this poem doesn’t express my personality in school. This is true, only because they know the fun-loving Jaylyn. They have no idea how many times I’ve thought of things that has happened to me in my life and just wanted to start bawling in the corner of my classroom. My friends have seen me cry before. But that was because I lost a wallet and I was afraid of getting in trouble. They’ve never really seen me cry till my eyes are red & puffy.
Another reason I’m sad is probably because I barely have friends anymore. I mean, I have friends but not ones that I can count on & go places with; and I can count those on my 5 fingers. Like, the closer my birthday is getting, the faker people are turning. I guess people just weren’t raised with the manners and advice I was brought upon. My mom always told me, “Don’t tell anyone anything that you wouldn’t want the world to know. Some people just use it later on for their advantage.” I will carry her word of advice until I’m 6 feet under. Her advice, more than anyone else’s is so relevant. All the time. She’s the one person I know who won’t ever judge me, and will always be a true friend. She’s like the bestfriend I’ve always wanted but never had. (Feelings)
Getting drunk off the promises
Hung over from the broken ones
High off that extasy & oxy cause you’re the chosen one
White stuff on the table
But you don’t know if you’re able.
And somehow, people judge you even knowing you hate them labels.
But the only drug you manage to intake is all that novacaine
Cause you been too long in this game to know that it takes away pain.
It knocks you out along with the problems til you can’t feel shit
And unfortunately, this is the only way you were taught to deal with it.
So you continue on with the sniffing, coughing & the cutting
Praying to God that your 5 year old ain’t just see nothing
And she didn’t, cause she’s over there playing with some toys
The hardest part is teaching her how to not play with them boys
Cause you don’t want her to grow up like mommy and live life the same
Dancing on a pole all for money & fame
The saddest part is that you don’t even know his name
But you sit there with protection
Should you make an objection?
Cause drugs ain’t the answer it just makes you forget the question.
The tears are infinite.
Like the feelings she has for both of them.
Confusion, abandonment of clarity; all wrapped in a dystopia and submitted into her small mind
This, it does not seem to process.
Stuck between the two.
The tears. Repetitive.
Her eyes. Angry.
However, they both bring her to a state on euphoria.
The first, who claims to like her.
The second, who claims to like her even at the times where she does not acknowledge her own beauty.
Turning off my phone, laptop, tv and everything else for the whole day simply because I’m sick of people’s bullshit. FUCK EVERYBODY.
not literally cause you might catch like herpies or somethin but you know
I need to catch up on my culinary work because I haven’t cooked a single thing in over a month..(give or take a few hot pockets and lipton soups). So today, for dinner, I’ll probably make some Futteccine Alfredo with breaded chicken cutlets and garlic bread. For dessert, I’ll buy a few piping bags and make a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting all from scratch. I’ll even try to decorate it like I’ve learned how to in my culinary classes. Yea, my stomach is already growling from just thinking about it, lol. So, if I’m succesful, I’ll post a few pics up of my master piece when I’m done :)
Over & Out <3